my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
