Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
