my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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