Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
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I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
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You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So apparently I’m into choking now
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