Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
