Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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