Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
