Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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