I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
