If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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