my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
