is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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