I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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