I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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