I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
