Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
