thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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