I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
