we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
