His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
