Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
