Ambien. No doubt about it.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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