Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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