Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Randomize
