If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
