apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
