I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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