Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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