I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
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Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
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cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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