I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Too much gin, very little bucket
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
