Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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