I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
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its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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