Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
