"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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