I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
