It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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