i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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