just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
