My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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