i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
