but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
