Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
