Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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