Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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