Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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