Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
