break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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