sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
