So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
