You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
