Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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