Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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