apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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