Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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