there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
