This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
