Will you blow on my dice?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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