I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
